I have recurrent nightmares. These nightmares don't relate to the fact that I have a sell-by date, or the fact that I may spend more than I can earn. Neither does it worry me that my duvet doesn't match my sofa.
I worry about my paternal grandfather. He is now in his early eighties. In fact, he is the same age as Mahathir and they had the heart operation at a similar time. Mahathir has undergone a second operation already. But they say gong gong is too frail to go for another operation. He has been in and out of ICU a few times, and is too weak to fly out to KL for Chinese New Year. I was hoping that with us moving back to Malaysia, we will be able to see the grandparents more often. Each time I talk to him, he tells me he is fine and able to come out to visit us any time. But po po tells me that his legs hurt him and he has difficulty breathing sometimes. My heart feels so heavy to hear it as I know he tries to keep a cheerful front to humour me, to not make me worry. My greatest fear is that one day he may be admitted once again to hospital, and they don't take enough care of him and he lands with bedsores and they want to amputate his legs instead of treating for wounds. His circulation is compromised and I know he is at risk if he has any open lesions. The thing that freaks me out the most, is that I may not be able to fly back in time to help him. I feel helpless, should such a situation arise, that my expertise will not be able to help my own grandfather.
And this makes me consider going back to Malaysia, even if they pay me peanuts and work me like a donkey, I may be able to help my grandfather when he needs me. My brother and I did not have the chance to visit them before we left Malaysia. I know we will feel horrible of anything happens and we didn't manage to see him again.
As time passes, we are put in perspective on the fragile nature of human life. We can lose those closest to us at any time and we may not have the opportunity to tell them how much they mean to us. This makes me hold all the more dear the friends and family that I have been blessed to have. I will never stop telling people how much I miss them and how much they mean to me; I will always cherish!
3 comments:
Hug Stella,I understand how you feel cause i felt the same way too..I left home when i was 17 and only see my family once a year..i also felt like going back to malaysia to work to be able to stay with my family,i am puzzle dnow with my future since..i dunno what to plan for next year.
hug Stella,I'll pray,for all of us.
While you're still young and single without commitment, I guess it's not too bad to come back here even though the pay is really peanuts. I remember my own grandmother when I read this post. I remember how I chose to skip my classes in college to fly to Kuching GH to see her in the CCU. I still recall the hard moments when I had to explain to my lecturers. Before I could even say anything, I was in tears. I think they were scared of me.. but I didn't regret skipping classes and missing those important labs. I would never be able to skip class to go back see my grandma anymore. That was the one and final time.
beatrice: I know. It feels so wrong to want to go far away, and spread our wings. Yet, when we are older, we will never be able to do that.
lynnx01: I hope I never ever have to go through that. I just pray that I will have the chance to make my grandparents happy.
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